I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
