you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
zippers are such a cool invention
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Randomize
