I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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