i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
And then my night got REAL pukey
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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