The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
