I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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