My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
