i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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