God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
