Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
