The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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