When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
