You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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