You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
