need another drink. this is the easiest way
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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