I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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