Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
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