I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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