Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
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