My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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