I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
