James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
