I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
