My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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