I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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