it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
