How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
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