Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
