I want to walk on stilts...naked
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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