Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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