You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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