I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
