Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
