We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Alive.
So much puke
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
