...so i touched it.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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