so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
