Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
