they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
