He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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