Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
