the condom got lost in my hair
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
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I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
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Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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