i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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