ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
