I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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