I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
