ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
