i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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