The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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