I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
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My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
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Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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