How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
