Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
