dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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