I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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