I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
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