Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
