does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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