I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
