Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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