Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
