Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Randomize
