This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
